The time when it was just too hard

Despite the irregular posts, I actually have a plan to stay on track and to get at least 1 post out a week.

But these past few weeks have been...painful.


I had struggled with hope and only had the will to breathe (and walk and eat. Sleeping and talking were not in this list).

I'm slowly getting my mojo back but it's hard. I consider myself a source for people to lean on and to confide in and a source of encouragement.

How do you encourage yourself?




My daughter has a rare heart condition. Each time we go to the doctors for her regular checkup (a hellish experience in itself) I keep hoping for good news, a miraculous sign.

I believe God can heal her, but *will* He?

So to hear the same song from her doctor was heartbreaking. After 2 years, I was hoping for *some* improvement.

She's fine (for now) but her doctor paints a very bleak picture of her future if we don't get this surgery (which may lead to more surgeries in her future) for her. I cannot picture her little chest being opened and stopping her heart for a procedure that has not been widely practiced by a surgeon who's purpose might be 'been there, done that' attitude.


It is hard to walk and talk with this looming desperation over you.
It is hard to breathe when there's no one you can completely trust to hold you up and not break down with you.

It is hard to look into your only child's eyes and wonder if this will be the last moment you will ever see them staring back at you.

A large fridge versus a small fridge

I recently caught myself lamenting about our fridge. The one at my parents’ is huge (more than 500 plus litres) and the one in our apartment is tiny in comparison(300 plus liters) . I’ve found myself staring into each refrigerator, cold air blasting my frowning face. Just when I think about upgrading our tiny fridge to a bigger one, I sigh in relief that we have a smaller one when I’m at my parent’s house.

The first thing that comes to mind is that a large fridge can hold more stuff. That’s a no brainer. However for someone like me who frequently forgets that she bought lettuce a week ago, this can prove detrimental. As I write this, I know that I have 6 green apples that I bought over a year ago, sitting at the bottom of chiller drawer. If I had a larger fridge, there’d be more than just apples, slowly decaying away, giving off musty odors.

Also, I can't’ find anything in a huge fridge. Does anyone else have this problem? I could have sworn I bought cheese the other day and now it’s nowhere to be seen!

A small fridge is economical, it needs less electricity to keep items cool. Not entirely true on my part. Because we have small storage, I need to constantly keep refilling our ice water tumblers. The family loves their chilled H2O, so I find myself repeatedly keeping 3 jugs of recently boiled water in there. That’s not room temperature water, that’s a temperature just below the boiling point, effectively raising the temperature of the whole fridge, making it work harder to cool itself down. If I had a large fridge, I can place rows and rows of water jugs and not have to worry about shortages.

I can’t cook for the month with my teeny tiny fridge. I’ve always wanted to try Once A Month Meals. The basic principle is preparing everything and then tossing it into the freezer to be cooked at a later date. There is no place to put all those freezer bags full of pre-chopped veggies and meats. I was dreaming about saving time by meal prepping this way. Not going to happen. My current freezer space is a joke! There is no way I could more that 3 chickens in there. Forget about making ice-cream; the only way I’d be able to fit the base in there is to make sure we’re almost starving (but hey, we can have ice-cream...tomorrow per the ice cream maker’s manufacturer’s instruction)

Large refrigerators are expensive. They are expensive to purchase and expensive to run. They are also expensive to fill up. Do you have a husband who loves those artisan chocolates? One day he tells me that he feels sad that his “treat tray” (it’s a whole shelf in our tiny fridge that has all his chocolates, cake and candy) looks empty. Can you imagine if we get a large fridge? It would seriously burn a hole in our pockets, stocking up on Ferrero Rocher’s and imported chocolates from Marks and Spencer.

So I guess at the moment, since I can’t make up my mind, I’m stuck shoving items around my teeny tiny fridge at home and gasping in horror when I find the juices of my marinated chicken just oozed all over *everything* in the fridge. Everything.

Teambuilding

I’ve got a very strong opinion about team building activities.

During my working life, I have attended quite a few team building events. Some of them were organized for everyone in the company, some were just for the individual departments. If there was ever a second team building event at the company I was currently working for, I’d come up with some lame excuse (I am part of the bridal party for my sister’s cousin’s ex-boyfriend’s mother’s niece’s wedding) to avoid it.

I would usually attend the first ones just to get a feel of how the company views “team building” (and also because I needed to make a good impression)

I can safely summarize that all these activities did nothing to promote team camaraderie, build rapport or (eek!) bring everyone closer with revelations of deep personal details and emotional connection. Thankfully, in all of these events (so far) no one has ever forced me to perform the trust exercise (you know, the one where you fall backwards and someone catches you)

All I got from these session were very awkward moments, loads of wasted time and very shabby accommodation (food was bad too). There was one time I injured my back, carrying multiple (that’s right, more than two) people, trying to balance on a 4 by 4 piece of paper. I wish I was making this up.

I think companies don’t understand the objective of team building. If they wanted to use up the department budget by creating an outing for every employee to (forcefully) attend, then yes, these companies achieved their objective.

Every activity has one team pitted against the other. How is that building a sense of camaraderie? Sure the people in those teams will bond over their attempt at beating other teams in competition, but what about the relationships between teams? That’s only going to become more negative as the competition gets stiffer.

For example, my team beat out a particularly aggressive, obnoxious, over-confident leader of another team. Sure the victory was so, so sweet. However, until today, this person doesn’t give me any eye contact anymore. Apparently team building should include “may burn bridges as well as build them” in their small print.

Leaders are the worst. They will stand up in front of the whole team and talk about what a good session that was when most of the time they clearly have no idea that new perceptions are being created, most of them negative.

There was this one lady who was a senior in the company. She was known as a backstabbing, rumor mongering snake. During the teambuilding, she made a big show about how she was “burying the hatchet” and “starting new”. There was even this exercise that required her to genuinely get everyone to bury what ever hatchet (that she had flung behind their back) The very next week, she conned the HR manager into getting rid of a younger version of her.

I could not make this up even if I wanted to.

I think we are missing proper team building companies that truly understand the spirit and the objective of these activities. There was even once a facilitator that stressed that we would only get benefits from sessions together if we put in the proper effort. To drive home the point, he said that if we thought we didn’t learn anything, it was all our fault. It was *our* responsibility to ensure that we achieved our goal to build an effective team.

Then why are we paying so much money?

I just don't get team building.

Mother’s day is so stressful.

As a first time mom and a first time daughter (can there be a second time daughter?) I can honestly say that I find Mother’s Day extremely stressful. Growing up, my family thought these “special” days were just another way for greeting card companies to make an extra buck. Now with e-cards, do they still make as much? These (non-mandatory-I-cannot-leave-work-for-this) holidays seem to grow stronger each year, multiplying.

Ever heard of Mother-In-Law’s Day? Me neither until this year.

Now that I’m a mom, I fully expect Mother’s Day to blow over per usual but something changed. Mother’s day became a full scale celebration. People who I barely talk to would ping my phone just to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Scroll through the history and you’d see the last conversation was wishing each other Happy Birthday.

I have really close friends, you can tell.

The present Mother’s Day consist of brunches, dinners, massages, flowers and gifts. GIFTS! Did I miss the memo? Ugh, so this leaves me in a conundrum. What I desire to get during mother’s day and what I desire to do for my mothers (my mother, mother-in-law, grandmothers, relatives who are moms).

As a mom, should I expect something when this holiday comes around? Do I want to be surprised with breakfast in bed? Wined and dined? Not really. I would appreciate a quick “happy mother’s day” than a grand celebration. I would feel guilty if someone went out of their way to do something nice for me.

Besides, does this holiday mean more to me now that I’m a mom? Not really. Apart from the additional stress, at my core I suppose I don’t believe in Mother’s Day. Why spend just one whole day, forwarding sentimental tear-jerking messages when you don’t do much the rest of the 364 days?

As a daughter, shouldn’t I at least show appreciation to the general cause and (some would say) burden of motherhood? Should I make it a big deal to “get it all out of the way” just once a year? Doesn’t that seem insincere?

What does a Mother’s Day celebration entail anyway?

I think in this case, I’m going to have to be flexible. Which roughly translates into being a hypocrite. Sad but true.

However, if being a hypocrite makes everyone happy, including myself, well then call me Aeschines.

What my child taught me

Being a first time mother can be daunting. Thank goodness for the plethora of information on the internet, books and busybodies who insist that they just have to force their experience and wisdom into your brain.

Recently, I’ve come to accept that while I’m still learning a lot from being a mother, sometimes my lessons can come from my widdle bitty baby (who is now technically a toddler….technically anyway)

Like today.

I was mending my pants (I’m cheap like that) and was in a really zen mode. I found it very satisfying, watching the needle pull through 3 threads, go under one and then 3 threads again (what? This isn’t the way to mend clothes, you say?) At one point, work was starting to pile up and people were starting to ping me on the various instant messaging platforms. I knew I had to stop.

Just a few more minutes. Just a few more stitches.

Then it hit me. I needed to prepare myself to stop this task. Just like how I prepared my toddler to stop watching the Ipad (yes, go ahead and judge), I realized that I needed to do the same to transition from a task I was enjoying (to a task that I wasn’t looking forward to).

When my daughter gets told that this would be the last YouTube video she watches before saying night-night to the Ipad instead of gently taking it away from her, she’s more acceptable and her demeanor doesn’t drastically change. Sure, you can tell that she doesn’t want to by her body language (the sudden puppy dog eyes, the slight sniffle, the pout) but this is so different compared to scenarios where I just whisk the tablet away from her; the screaming, the scratching the wailing like it’s the end of the world.

So I tried telling myself the same thing. Okay, it’s time to put down the needle now. It’s been a good 10 minutes and you can always do this again tomorrow. I know it feels good but that’s enough sewing for now. Say goodbye now.

I stopped at the second stitch instead of the third (I have self-diagnosed myself to having slight OCD when it comes to doing tasks in threes) It felt good and I could move on to work.

It’s funny how sometimes our efforts to teach our children bounce back on us.

HOMEDEC KLCC (28 April - 1 May 2017)

I managed to sneak a quick look into the HomeDec halls today so I thought I would give you guys some heads up or a preview.

Guys, this place is huge. This year, they've even extended to the whole of the 3rd floor (Hall 8). I got lost just getting from Hall 5 to Hall 1 (it's a maze).

Wear something green. There are a few booths that offer small free gifts if you show something green. More on that later.

Pre-register first. You can do this at http://homedec.com.my/kl. Trust me, this saves you a lot of time. I went relatively early (before the office lunch hour) and there was a long line already. People were filling up forms! Since I pre-registered, I just waited patiently for my turn, told them I had already registered, gave them my phone number and collected my free box of Cheerios. I got a red sticker to display on my being and off I went...to get so lost.

If you know which sections you want to hit first, take a map. It will save you time, but if you're like me, feel free to just browse. Exits and entrances to other halls are very tricky to find. Although there are plenty of doors to exit, there's a security guard that prevents you from leaving unless you're an exhibitor (which in my honest opinion sucks).

Prepare to dodge or embrace flyer distributors. They can be quite aggressive. One even tried flirting but I saw myself in the mirror this morning. I'm not delusional.

I didn't spend a lot of time at the booths, but I believe bargaining for a lower price wouldn't be successful here. I had compared online prices and found them to be the same and getting them to throw in free gifts were out of the question. But you might be lucky!

If shopping for everything you need for your home in one place is your dream and your goal, make sure you have plenty of free time. This place is huge and they really maximize any floor space they can.

Back to the free gifts for wearing green. There are 7 booths that offer this so you can potentially get 7 items (while stocks lasts). I managed to get 5. They were pretty happy with my green tote bag but E.S.H Electrical insisted that I had to be *wearing something*. The guy even suggested that my hair should be green to qualify. Rolling my eyes and moving on the cash register, I finally got my red and blue tote. Big whoop (not).


In summary:-

Go!
- if you recently purchase a new home. Landed, in the sky,there's something for everyone.
- if you like window shopping and being wooed.
- if you want to save time purchasing several items (from mattresses to indoor pools, from light fixtures to dehydrators) all at once.
- if you're dating and you want to get a rough idea on how hands-on your partner is going to be in the future

Don't Go!
- if you hate crowds (the air-conditioning was strong though)
- if you don't like getting lost and get easily frustrated if you can't see an exit sign
- if you value your weekends like the rare sighting of snow leopard in it's natural habitat

It's a hard life

It's been 2 months since my last post and I know I don't owe anyone an explanation. But I think I need to publish an explanation to myself.


It's been a hard life, these past two months.


The flirtation with depression was dangerous and while I'm not completely out of the danger zone, I recognize that I needed to prioritize this. Forcing myself to update this page was not as important as mental health.


Family life has been hard and difficult. While these relationships can be so rewarding, sometimes the process of growing closer is so painful. It takes a toll.


I'll be better, I promise.
But for now, I'm going to make sure that I'm okay and that breathing is no longer difficult. I need to stop being so hard on myself and setting standards can only set me up for failure. The pain for defeat can be too much to bear at this moment in this season.

I'll be better, I promise.
I'll pick myself up, dust myself off and slowly progress to the fifth gear (manual transmission analogy can be so comforting). I'll be back to my usual, positive, energetic, highly motivated self.

I'll be better, I promise.
I just need to heal a little bit.

Tear tape, where art thou?

I know, I know. This is so #firstworldproblems. However, two incidents affected me so strongly that I just had to put this down in words.

Tear Tape is that (usually) red line that runs on the inside of packaging. It helps you open the packet with ease, ensuring there’s no fuss or frustration. What frustration you may ask.

Why, frustration like these…

I know of some people who have no faith in how manufacturers seal their items, that their default go-to method is to use their teeth. Even if there’s a pair of scissors at an arm’s length away, this person will *still* rip open a bag of chips like a rabid dog. (I use to be that person, don’t judge)

Personally these tear strips make my life so much easier to the point that I am dependent on them (serves you right for depending on something so stupid). I realized the importance of these during my maternity leave.

Having food around the house was vitally important to me because I was hungry all the time. It was probably due to breastfeeding and burning all those calories worrying about the little human that I was in charge of keeping alive. Since I wasn’t allowed to go outside (curse you, stupid old-fashioned, not scientifically proven beliefs) visitors would bring me food. Apart from the meals that I would get, I would also receive Kit Kat chocolates. I was never a fan of Kit Kat, not because I didn’t like them, it’s just that I’m not a chocolate girl. Ice-cream yes, chocolate not so much (chocolate ice-cream? yuck!)

However, when I was peckish and felt the need to munch on something, I realized I just couldn’t stop at one Kit Kat

I could eat a least 10 without even thinking twice.

This progressed to sneaking away from a snoozing baby to quickly pop two fingers of Kit Kat in my mouth. It was starting to be an addiction.

Now imagine my surprise when one bag of Kit Kat had no tear tape. Not one Kit Kat had a tear tape. I know this, because I ate them all obviously. Oh the horrific effects!

I would try to tear it open, expecting a clean break but instead, I’d just tear of an inconsequential corner. I’d keep going until, completely frustrated, I’d have to get my trusty scissors. This wouldn’t be a problem but having a baby and a pair of scissors nearby is not ideal.

Here’s the second incident that traumatized me and made me a slave to tear tape.

I was on a diet and really wanted a Kit Kat. So I made a dash to the refrigerator (I know, I was desperate) and tore open a two-fingered Kit Kat bar. Guess what? No tear tape. The condensation, clumsy fingers, blunt teeth and overall mission-impossible mode made it the least enjoyable piece of chocolate I’ve ever consumed.

Why yes, I got busted by my husband who happened to wonder what was all the cursing coming from the kitchen. How’s your new year’s resolution going, huh? Huh? HUH?

So, the next time you see a tear tape that helped you achieve that clean, sleek, plastic breakaway, be grateful. Be grateful that you don’t have a picture of yourself hunched over a red rectangular piece of candy, looking like the creature from Henry Fuseli’s The Nightmare.

Ice-cream, RM30 or RM7?

I came from a family that wasn't wealthy in terms of money. Sure, we weren't poor but we difinately watched our ringgit and didn't splurge a lot.

I was taught that it's better to spend RMX on detergent, rather than RMXX on another detergent. They both essentially do the same thing. Right?

However, I recently discovered the difference between RMX and RMXX ice-cream.

Oh-la-la! Cream....milk....egg...

Milk solids...and err....stuff...


So, essentially it's ice-cream.

Right?

2016/2017

This post comes very late but is inspired by a facebook post I read. It made me want to spill out my hopes and dreams not for just 2017 but for the future.

Yes, 2016 was not the best year. Personally, it was a Year of Deprivation. I was working towards bigger goals and some things needed to be sacrificed in order to achieve those goals. On paper, these sacrifices seem simple and minute. However, after going through 12 months of it, I can honestly say I was exhausted and drained. Perhaps I pushed myself too far, perhaps I didn’t need to be so extreme. Perhaps my goal was too big, setting me up for disappointment.

I had made it my goal to reduce my credit card debt and while that was reasonable, the full mortgage payment for an apartment I bought kicked in. Juggling payments while trying to save money was very, very difficult. There were a lot of roadblocks. The apartment needed to be rented out as soon as possible but work needed to be done. I had to fix the place up a bit, we’re talking basic necessities like light. On top of that there were sudden unplanned expenses like getting our air-conditioning fixed because it was leaking water and the lever wasn’t working. The list just kept growing as the months went by. Each week brought new financial challenges.

At one point, I never saw a cent from my paycheck. For months. It was depressing and very, very stressful. It took a toll on my relationships, my mental and emotional health and while I tried very hard not to let my family feel it, I knew they were affected somehow. That was not cool. I sometimes wonder if the sacrifice was worth it.

However, 2017 is going to be much better. I’ve decided that 2017 is going to be a Year of ‘More’.

More yes, and less no (yes I’ll get that RM2 worth of Skittles even though it’s not in the budget) More happiness, less depression (house payments are due, but hey, at least I’ve got a renter) More love, less hate (I’m going to stop spending time with negative people. If they want to gossip during lunch, I’m going to suddenly get a fake call)

So this year is going to be a year of more, a year of abundance. I may not necessarily have more money (did I forget to mention that I didn’t get any salary increment or bonus last year?) I *will* have more positive, worthwhile experiences. I’ve only got this one life.

Breakout - A review

Do you secretly enjoy murder-mystery dinner parties but outwardly mock them? Do you love playing those (forgotten) online puzzle games that gives you a list of items to find in a messy, chaotic room? (Yahoo games, anyone?) Do you yearn to say “elementary, my dear Watson?”.

You should try Breakout.

This month, our department decided to organize one teambuilding event. Someone (a self elected leader) decided that the best way to encourage camaraderie was to to split us into groups (really?) to attempt several rooms that were available at Breakout Avenue K.

Being a person that was easily susceptible to shock and has refused to watch horror movies, you can imagine my hesitation (fine, I told my boss I felt sick so that I could potentially skipped the day). But I am also competitive.
After a little trash talk with other teams, I decided that this year was going to be the year that I would try to be fearless. So off I went to Avenue K, armed with my wit, my critical thinking and my pepper spray (nobody is going to jump out of the shadows without feeling a spicy kick)

I’m not going to reveal the room we went in because I feel that I might give away spoilers without meaning to.

Our Game Master (really?) briefed us on the ‘roles’ available and recommended a few that proved useful for our specific rom. Tip: Take their recommendation seriously. They are there to help you.
Once we were all ready, we were released into the room. Much to my relief, they immediately pointed out the button I could press if I needed to contact the Games Master (or if I needed to chicken out)

The moment we entered the room our team was go-go-go! We got right into the groove of things, the person with the flashlight leading the way (Tip: The room is dim and the flashlight really helps especially when you’re reading things) the last person running his hands on every surface to look for hidden compartments (yes there are!!!) or clues.
We were stuck at most of the roadblocks, sacrificing our ‘role’ to get help from the Game Master, but I’d say overall, we solved 60% of the riddles (which was so so fun and satisfying). Each of our team mates came up with incredulous solutions and ideas. Honestly I was blown away by the way they thought about the riddles. 
In the end we solved the puzzles and escaped the room, however we didn’t manage to ‘catch the culprit’ which to me sounds horrifying. Why?

Apparently there was an actual person (playing the role of the villain) hiding at the end of a dark maze. We had sacrificed our last role, the Flashlight, so we were basically surrounded by darkness. Can you imagine groping around in pitch blackness while someone waited for you to find them? Can you picture that scene the moment your fingers brushed against another living, breathing body that wasn’t your team mate?

I got shivers just by typing that.

So here’s the summary: 

This is very well thought out - when you complete the room (or if you can’t, the Game Master will tell you) you will have your mind blown. Mind. Blown.

This isn’t scary - there’s one room that is full of marionette and that scares the crap out of me, but I’m told they do not suddenly come to life or demand you saw your leg off.

This brings out unique problem solving skills - if you go in with a group of your close friends, you might even escape the room even faster. I believe each brain brings something different to the bottom-collapsing-secret-compartment table.

I truly believe that a group of 4 to 5 would be best. This is because the rooms are tiny but you need man-power for the hints you can get. More roles, more hints.

If you’re interested, contact me for a coupon/voucher for 25% off your total bill. This offer is valid until 20th February 2017.

Also (bummer) this deal can only be used on weekdays.