Teambuilding

I’ve got a very strong opinion about team building activities.

During my working life, I have attended quite a few team building events. Some of them were organized for everyone in the company, some were just for the individual departments. If there was ever a second team building event at the company I was currently working for, I’d come up with some lame excuse (I am part of the bridal party for my sister’s cousin’s ex-boyfriend’s mother’s niece’s wedding) to avoid it.

I would usually attend the first ones just to get a feel of how the company views “team building” (and also because I needed to make a good impression)

I can safely summarize that all these activities did nothing to promote team camaraderie, build rapport or (eek!) bring everyone closer with revelations of deep personal details and emotional connection. Thankfully, in all of these events (so far) no one has ever forced me to perform the trust exercise (you know, the one where you fall backwards and someone catches you)

All I got from these session were very awkward moments, loads of wasted time and very shabby accommodation (food was bad too). There was one time I injured my back, carrying multiple (that’s right, more than two) people, trying to balance on a 4 by 4 piece of paper. I wish I was making this up.

I think companies don’t understand the objective of team building. If they wanted to use up the department budget by creating an outing for every employee to (forcefully) attend, then yes, these companies achieved their objective.

Every activity has one team pitted against the other. How is that building a sense of camaraderie? Sure the people in those teams will bond over their attempt at beating other teams in competition, but what about the relationships between teams? That’s only going to become more negative as the competition gets stiffer.

For example, my team beat out a particularly aggressive, obnoxious, over-confident leader of another team. Sure the victory was so, so sweet. However, until today, this person doesn’t give me any eye contact anymore. Apparently team building should include “may burn bridges as well as build them” in their small print.

Leaders are the worst. They will stand up in front of the whole team and talk about what a good session that was when most of the time they clearly have no idea that new perceptions are being created, most of them negative.

There was this one lady who was a senior in the company. She was known as a backstabbing, rumor mongering snake. During the teambuilding, she made a big show about how she was “burying the hatchet” and “starting new”. There was even this exercise that required her to genuinely get everyone to bury what ever hatchet (that she had flung behind their back) The very next week, she conned the HR manager into getting rid of a younger version of her.

I could not make this up even if I wanted to.

I think we are missing proper team building companies that truly understand the spirit and the objective of these activities. There was even once a facilitator that stressed that we would only get benefits from sessions together if we put in the proper effort. To drive home the point, he said that if we thought we didn’t learn anything, it was all our fault. It was *our* responsibility to ensure that we achieved our goal to build an effective team.

Then why are we paying so much money?

I just don't get team building.

Mother’s day is so stressful.

As a first time mom and a first time daughter (can there be a second time daughter?) I can honestly say that I find Mother’s Day extremely stressful. Growing up, my family thought these “special” days were just another way for greeting card companies to make an extra buck. Now with e-cards, do they still make as much? These (non-mandatory-I-cannot-leave-work-for-this) holidays seem to grow stronger each year, multiplying.

Ever heard of Mother-In-Law’s Day? Me neither until this year.

Now that I’m a mom, I fully expect Mother’s Day to blow over per usual but something changed. Mother’s day became a full scale celebration. People who I barely talk to would ping my phone just to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Scroll through the history and you’d see the last conversation was wishing each other Happy Birthday.

I have really close friends, you can tell.

The present Mother’s Day consist of brunches, dinners, massages, flowers and gifts. GIFTS! Did I miss the memo? Ugh, so this leaves me in a conundrum. What I desire to get during mother’s day and what I desire to do for my mothers (my mother, mother-in-law, grandmothers, relatives who are moms).

As a mom, should I expect something when this holiday comes around? Do I want to be surprised with breakfast in bed? Wined and dined? Not really. I would appreciate a quick “happy mother’s day” than a grand celebration. I would feel guilty if someone went out of their way to do something nice for me.

Besides, does this holiday mean more to me now that I’m a mom? Not really. Apart from the additional stress, at my core I suppose I don’t believe in Mother’s Day. Why spend just one whole day, forwarding sentimental tear-jerking messages when you don’t do much the rest of the 364 days?

As a daughter, shouldn’t I at least show appreciation to the general cause and (some would say) burden of motherhood? Should I make it a big deal to “get it all out of the way” just once a year? Doesn’t that seem insincere?

What does a Mother’s Day celebration entail anyway?

I think in this case, I’m going to have to be flexible. Which roughly translates into being a hypocrite. Sad but true.

However, if being a hypocrite makes everyone happy, including myself, well then call me Aeschines.

What my child taught me

Being a first time mother can be daunting. Thank goodness for the plethora of information on the internet, books and busybodies who insist that they just have to force their experience and wisdom into your brain.

Recently, I’ve come to accept that while I’m still learning a lot from being a mother, sometimes my lessons can come from my widdle bitty baby (who is now technically a toddler….technically anyway)

Like today.

I was mending my pants (I’m cheap like that) and was in a really zen mode. I found it very satisfying, watching the needle pull through 3 threads, go under one and then 3 threads again (what? This isn’t the way to mend clothes, you say?) At one point, work was starting to pile up and people were starting to ping me on the various instant messaging platforms. I knew I had to stop.

Just a few more minutes. Just a few more stitches.

Then it hit me. I needed to prepare myself to stop this task. Just like how I prepared my toddler to stop watching the Ipad (yes, go ahead and judge), I realized that I needed to do the same to transition from a task I was enjoying (to a task that I wasn’t looking forward to).

When my daughter gets told that this would be the last YouTube video she watches before saying night-night to the Ipad instead of gently taking it away from her, she’s more acceptable and her demeanor doesn’t drastically change. Sure, you can tell that she doesn’t want to by her body language (the sudden puppy dog eyes, the slight sniffle, the pout) but this is so different compared to scenarios where I just whisk the tablet away from her; the screaming, the scratching the wailing like it’s the end of the world.

So I tried telling myself the same thing. Okay, it’s time to put down the needle now. It’s been a good 10 minutes and you can always do this again tomorrow. I know it feels good but that’s enough sewing for now. Say goodbye now.

I stopped at the second stitch instead of the third (I have self-diagnosed myself to having slight OCD when it comes to doing tasks in threes) It felt good and I could move on to work.

It’s funny how sometimes our efforts to teach our children bounce back on us.

It's a hard life

It's been 2 months since my last post and I know I don't owe anyone an explanation. But I think I need to publish an explanation to myself.


It's been a hard life, these past two months.


The flirtation with depression was dangerous and while I'm not completely out of the danger zone, I recognize that I needed to prioritize this. Forcing myself to update this page was not as important as mental health.


Family life has been hard and difficult. While these relationships can be so rewarding, sometimes the process of growing closer is so painful. It takes a toll.


I'll be better, I promise.
But for now, I'm going to make sure that I'm okay and that breathing is no longer difficult. I need to stop being so hard on myself and setting standards can only set me up for failure. The pain for defeat can be too much to bear at this moment in this season.

I'll be better, I promise.
I'll pick myself up, dust myself off and slowly progress to the fifth gear (manual transmission analogy can be so comforting). I'll be back to my usual, positive, energetic, highly motivated self.

I'll be better, I promise.
I just need to heal a little bit.

Tear tape, where art thou?

I know, I know. This is so #firstworldproblems. However, two incidents affected me so strongly that I just had to put this down in words.

Tear Tape is that (usually) red line that runs on the inside of packaging. It helps you open the packet with ease, ensuring there’s no fuss or frustration. What frustration you may ask.

Why, frustration like these…

I know of some people who have no faith in how manufacturers seal their items, that their default go-to method is to use their teeth. Even if there’s a pair of scissors at an arm’s length away, this person will *still* rip open a bag of chips like a rabid dog. (I use to be that person, don’t judge)

Personally these tear strips make my life so much easier to the point that I am dependent on them (serves you right for depending on something so stupid). I realized the importance of these during my maternity leave.

Having food around the house was vitally important to me because I was hungry all the time. It was probably due to breastfeeding and burning all those calories worrying about the little human that I was in charge of keeping alive. Since I wasn’t allowed to go outside (curse you, stupid old-fashioned, not scientifically proven beliefs) visitors would bring me food. Apart from the meals that I would get, I would also receive Kit Kat chocolates. I was never a fan of Kit Kat, not because I didn’t like them, it’s just that I’m not a chocolate girl. Ice-cream yes, chocolate not so much (chocolate ice-cream? yuck!)

However, when I was peckish and felt the need to munch on something, I realized I just couldn’t stop at one Kit Kat

I could eat a least 10 without even thinking twice.

This progressed to sneaking away from a snoozing baby to quickly pop two fingers of Kit Kat in my mouth. It was starting to be an addiction.

Now imagine my surprise when one bag of Kit Kat had no tear tape. Not one Kit Kat had a tear tape. I know this, because I ate them all obviously. Oh the horrific effects!

I would try to tear it open, expecting a clean break but instead, I’d just tear of an inconsequential corner. I’d keep going until, completely frustrated, I’d have to get my trusty scissors. This wouldn’t be a problem but having a baby and a pair of scissors nearby is not ideal.

Here’s the second incident that traumatized me and made me a slave to tear tape.

I was on a diet and really wanted a Kit Kat. So I made a dash to the refrigerator (I know, I was desperate) and tore open a two-fingered Kit Kat bar. Guess what? No tear tape. The condensation, clumsy fingers, blunt teeth and overall mission-impossible mode made it the least enjoyable piece of chocolate I’ve ever consumed.

Why yes, I got busted by my husband who happened to wonder what was all the cursing coming from the kitchen. How’s your new year’s resolution going, huh? Huh? HUH?

So, the next time you see a tear tape that helped you achieve that clean, sleek, plastic breakaway, be grateful. Be grateful that you don’t have a picture of yourself hunched over a red rectangular piece of candy, looking like the creature from Henry Fuseli’s The Nightmare.

2016/2017

This post comes very late but is inspired by a facebook post I read. It made me want to spill out my hopes and dreams not for just 2017 but for the future.

Yes, 2016 was not the best year. Personally, it was a Year of Deprivation. I was working towards bigger goals and some things needed to be sacrificed in order to achieve those goals. On paper, these sacrifices seem simple and minute. However, after going through 12 months of it, I can honestly say I was exhausted and drained. Perhaps I pushed myself too far, perhaps I didn’t need to be so extreme. Perhaps my goal was too big, setting me up for disappointment.

I had made it my goal to reduce my credit card debt and while that was reasonable, the full mortgage payment for an apartment I bought kicked in. Juggling payments while trying to save money was very, very difficult. There were a lot of roadblocks. The apartment needed to be rented out as soon as possible but work needed to be done. I had to fix the place up a bit, we’re talking basic necessities like light. On top of that there were sudden unplanned expenses like getting our air-conditioning fixed because it was leaking water and the lever wasn’t working. The list just kept growing as the months went by. Each week brought new financial challenges.

At one point, I never saw a cent from my paycheck. For months. It was depressing and very, very stressful. It took a toll on my relationships, my mental and emotional health and while I tried very hard not to let my family feel it, I knew they were affected somehow. That was not cool. I sometimes wonder if the sacrifice was worth it.

However, 2017 is going to be much better. I’ve decided that 2017 is going to be a Year of ‘More’.

More yes, and less no (yes I’ll get that RM2 worth of Skittles even though it’s not in the budget) More happiness, less depression (house payments are due, but hey, at least I’ve got a renter) More love, less hate (I’m going to stop spending time with negative people. If they want to gossip during lunch, I’m going to suddenly get a fake call)

So this year is going to be a year of more, a year of abundance. I may not necessarily have more money (did I forget to mention that I didn’t get any salary increment or bonus last year?) I *will* have more positive, worthwhile experiences. I’ve only got this one life.

Dear Universe,

Do you remember ankle tans? The ones we use to get unintentionally because we wore white (but mostly off-white) socks with our white (but really, brown) school shoes?

Remember when we turned 17 and we were done with the school-uniform life? We embraced cute skirts and shaved our legs and moisturized religiously. We squealed when we saw strappy shoes and anklets.

Then the realization hit us as we strutted our stuff for the first time. We had ankle tans. A very visible line that exposes the paleness of our feat and our tan calves.

We displayed our naivety that we were just out of our uniforms and had no business trying to make our mark into the real world.

This made us hid behind sneakers again. Skirts were longingly caress but never adorned. Never mind if we had chubby calves, that was saved for a different time.

So what did we do? I know what I did. I sunned my feet. I made a conscious decision to sit by the patio and lay just my feet in the warm (and then hot) rays of the sun. I envisioned even toned legs with toe rings and Ipanemas while roasting my feet.

Then the day finally arrived when I slipped into a pleated, laced skirt and put on my turquoise strappy heels.

First person who sees my outfit says, “came back from diving?”

Planner video binge

Do you have those old school books that are called “planners”? You know, those notebooks that deceive you into thinking they’re regular books that are filled with blanks pages, begging to be scribbled in but when you open them up POW! These pages are filled with dates! We’re talking pages with months of the year listed in chronological order, appointment spaces egging you to fill something in at 10:00 am.

As much as I love notebooks (I should really wax lyrical about them someday) I adore planners. These are supposedly hard to come by because who uses paper anymore? Everything is either on the computer or on your phone. I understand this because I use them all them time. I’m in an office where nobody attends a meeting unless there’s a reminder 5 minutes before it’s due. I will forget my father-in-law’s birthday unless my phone reminds me a day before (I know it’s sometime in January *sheepish*)

But I still love planners. They can come in all shapes and forms. My favourite are ones with tabs with spiral binding. Easy for laying flat.

Since I literally have no money to buy a planner, or a notebook (yup, not even one from Daiso) I have been binge watching people showing off their planners on YouTube.

Have you seen this one? It’s got stickers. STICKERS!

Or this? The extra stationary! Free printables! *drool*

Or this one! So unique and creative!

I believe I will have to spend the rest of the day, binge watching these truly creative master planners showcase their notebooks and get planner-envy (I’m making it a thing)

Dear Universe, WHY YOU NO GIVE ME MONEH TO BUY NOTEBOOK?!

Missing but alive

There’s too much on my plate because of my ambitious visit to the buffet of projects.

This is why I am missing 2 month’s worth of content.

It’s not that I had nothing to say (or write), it was just that I had so many that my thoughts were all over the place.

I’ve been pulling back on some on-going projects so that I can prioritize on the manageable ones (goodbye learning Spanish) I also needed to set realistic goals so that I can feel good when I achieve them (so long baking month). I believe I was trying to accomplish so much and was not recognizing my own limitations, that I sort of set myself up for failure.

I’m the type of person that gets joy from looking at all those checked boxes, all those crossed out items and all those neatly arranged freezer meals. Call it OCD, but I am happy when there are signs of organization in my life. To see a to-do list that was made weeks ago, just staring back at me, un-finish, mocking me and gathering dust puts me in an irritable mood. I beat myself up for not getting to that task sooner (or ever!) and then spiral into a state of depression, questioning my very existence.

So while I have slacked for the past two months, I have been driving myself crazy by beating myself up on neglecting this outlet. I have things to say, thoughts to transform and rants to write!

The direction of this blog is still not clear to me but I have decided that it’s not the most important part to deal with right now.

I have one clear goal; start creating content. Once I have that down, I’ll work on a bigger (and inevitably more complicated) target.

I don’t care if my entry for the week is something random, or an incomplete thought. I believe half the battle has been won if I can get it down on (virtual) paper.

Dear Universe, thank you for being patient with a scatter-brained, self-motivated, self-sabotaging and neurotic person. I like you, let’s try to be friends. I should warn you that the next few entries will be weird.

But you like weird, don’t you?